Wonder and Doubt

I wrote this several weeks ago. I decided to publish it tonight. I don't know why.

As I sit up waiting for a phone call from Afghanistan that may or may not come, my mind wanders, and I find myself looking back on some things that shaped my life.

I am considering the idea of "burning in Hell." Will I burn in hell if I don't subscribe to your concept of God?

I lived in fear for most of my life that I would burn in hell if I did not choose to believe and/or profess to believe a certain set of rules about religion, God and behavior. I've been told time and again that any nagging thoughts or doubts are a test of faith, but...

What if God wants us to wonder and doubt? Why did God allow us such intelligence and curiosity if we are expected to squelch it, to be embarrassed of it, to fear it. Do the thoughts and doubts in our heads (the ones we can't help, the ones we may wish to be without), prove that we aren't worthy, and that our faith isn't strong enough? That just doesn't make sense to me.

What if we let it go? What if we allowed ourselves to enjoy our curious and mischievous minds? What if we could accept ourselves as we are, and stop trying to mold our minds and hearts to match the cookie-cutter ideal of those around us? What if we celebrated and gave thanks that we are capable of doubt and wonder? How good would it feel to throw off decades of guilt and remorse?

I think that might be what freedom feels like.